I’m back from a short blogging hiatus. I bounced around a bit along the northeast corridor spending quality time with loved ones. Now I’ve reached the end of my current period of bouncing around (as opposed to “wandering,” an arbitrary distinction to be sure), having taken the GRE (graduate record examination), which some graduate programs require for admission.
I’d long intended to take the GRE, if for no other reason than because I’m not getting any smarter, and the scores are usable for five years. Why not, right? After many false starts over the years, I finally just bought a study book, hit it for a week, and just took the test. I’d determined that my perfectionism wasn’t going to allow me to actually get around to taking the test the way my perfectionism dictated, so I just held my breath and I did it. The preliminary score that I received after completing the test told me that I probably did well enough.
So am I really just going to sit on these test results for five years, just in case I want to use them? Perhaps because I decided to take the test, or perhaps for other reasons, I have indeed begun thinking about pursuing further studies (Mom, Dad, don’t get too excited yet) in an area related to who I am, what I care about, and what I believe are my unique abilities. That seems to lead me somewhere into the counseling or social work area, but also with heavy influence from sociology, anthropology, religious studies, humanities, psychology, business, public policy, activism, and, well, anticapitalism. And all that in an academically rigorous program that is as focused on theory as it is on practice, and populated by like-minded faculty and students. A nickel to anyone who can find me a program that meets those requirements.
I had a secret hope that taking the GRE might get the ball rolling for me to advance into an academic pursuit (the way signing up for the GRE got the ball rolling for me to actually sit for the damn thing). Beyond the fact that most programs I’d be looking at probably don’t require the GRE for admission, I’m feeling that my secret hope may have been a bit naive. Having taken the test, things aren’t just falling into place.
I’m awash in compelling programs, all equally impressive and also equally not-quite-what-I’m-looking-for. (For the scope of this post, I’ll set aside some of the systemic issues I have with institutions of higher education – rest assured, I am very conflicted about engaging with this system at all.) Even if I were to find a program that excited me (I keep circling this one from UChicago), the standard language that these programs use around “potential careers” and “leadership” and other highly-ambitious (dare I say capitalistic?) framings doesn’t sit with me quite right. What if I’m not looking to be a leader in social policy? Or what if I don’t want to build a private practice as a clinician? Or run a non-profit? What if I’m just a dude who wants to learn and grow in a powerful environment to further my path in life, and to help me to actualize whatever potential the world needs me to actualize? And what if I have trouble verbalizing this form of “I’m not sure, let’s find out” in an application essay?
I feel like I’m past the days of lying about myself and my ambitions just so that someone will accept me. I’m past the days of playing the games, checking the boxes, and trying to make it past the gatekeepers (I’ve made it past plenty). I hope there are academic programs out there that eschew the games. Programs and communities that see my attempts at authenticity as an asset, rather than as rabble-rousing.
Is my bar too high? Years of my life and $100,000+ in tuition feels like a high price for a venture that not only misses some of my intellectual needs but also makes it difficult for me to bring the entirety of my value system to the experience. But of course, I’m getting ahead of myself. The next steps will be to sniff around for programs, perhaps attend some info sessions, talk to alumni, and keep those juices flowing and thoughts marinating.
In the meantime, of course, I very happily continue my wander with the freedom to live by the entirety of my value system, if only I can get out of my own way. Next up: North Carolina.